Really? Thought Catalog's Top 10 Fictional Boyfriends (and Who Might Be Better)

by - Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Today Chelsea Fagan's blog on the Top Ten fictional boyfriends got passed around the internet, and wow, some women realy like losers. If you want to check out the original it is here at this link- I'm going to work off the assumption that she is talking about all heterosexual men, as in "I am a heterosexual woman and if this person were real I would date them" She got a couple right:

1.Aidan from Sex in the City-Cute, arty laborish, woefully mistreated. Aidan is definitely one of the best Sex and the City men (though I think Steve and Harry are the real winners). And you just have to forgive the hair from the early years. We all have our phases.

2.Tom from 500 Days of Summer-He's fine? I mean, I don't remember much but some pining eyes and then sad eyes. And one dance number. He makes the winner list because I love a man with no shame about public dancing, and Hall and Oates takes it to another level. Also, now that I look for a picture of him I notice there were a lot of sweater vests in play- not a positive or a negative, just something I noticed.

3.Aladdin- He's spunky, voiced by the guy from Full House, and is certainly more interesting than most of the turds Disney princesses have to deal with. Sure, he lies to his girlfriend the majority of the movie, but all in all, not her worst pick.

4. Ron Weasley-For a long time, Ron Weasley was my favorite Harry Potter character, until I realized that Neville actually owns my heart. I'm telling you, the nerdier are, the better. Ron is a ginger, loyal, funny, and appropriate levels of afraid of Hermoine. All in all he is a definite winner. Written and on film, Weasley is probably the best of the bunch.

 Borderline, but I am as guilty as anyone:

 1. Mr. Darcy- An ass like 80% into the book. Looks like Colin Firth even as you read the book (somehow, his Firthiness shines through- that's probably why he played the part again in Bridget Jones Diary- he is so good at that stare). I think maybe it gets more credit than others because she doesn't love him to his gooey center. She basically tells him to screw off and he has to go off and learn to be better before she ever gives him a chance. That's a key difference here.

And then there are the other ones:

1. The Beast- Holy crap, are you kidding me? Beauty and the Beast is an absolute mainstay in every Into to Feminism class ever. It is the perfect example of Disney's absolutely warped models of relationships as presented to little girls. The guy locked her father in a tower! He screamed at her and threatened her with violence!  This sets up one of the worst girlfriend dynamics- the good old "you don't understand him like I do." Really? Because what I understand is that your boyfriend is an emotionally abusive asshole. Major boyfriend fail.

 2. Jesse Pinkman- Yes, he does have pretty blue eyes. He is also a drug dealer. And he's killed people. Again, ladies, no gooey center is going to save you from outside crazy or stupid. Let's shoot for men who can function on both levels! It's not an impossible dream!

3. Josh from Clueless- Trust me, I love Paul Rudd as much as the next girl, and he is ridiculously cute in this movie. But don't we all know the guy in his 20's who are dating high school girls? They usually have HPV and all sorts of crazy business. I don't necessarily think age is a primary issue, but there are milestones in life that turn into a great divide. If you have lived on your own, you should not  date someone who has only lived with their parents, etc.

4. George from George of the Jungle- Did she just run out of movies? It's a weird choice, which she pretty much admits, but we are missing exactly why he makes the list. Because Brendan topless is not even sort of a good reason. He's not cute! Also, anyone with more than one fart joke is pretty much out.

So here are my admittedly heteronormative counter-ideas:

1. Turk on Scrubs- I am pretty sure he falls for Carla on the very first episode. He is a work in progress, he never quite gets it right, but he is kind and he is always trying. This is the key people.

2.David Huxley in Bringing up Baby- Ok, this is an odd one, because on the one hand, he does blow off his fiance on their wedding day. But, he is open with his feelings, ready for an adventure, dresses sharp, and he looks like Cary Grant while being wonderfully weird. I love it.

3. Aragorn from Lord of the Rings- First of all, he is played by Viggo, who is a ridiculously beautiful man. Aragorn's role as a loverboy doesn't really show in the books, but they really pushed it in the films. His girlfriend Arwen gives up eternity to be with him, but rather than just be totally pumped about it, he seems sad, as if he really understands what she gave up. He also treats women with respect and never says anything stupid about fighting in a woman's honor. That's a quality man.

4.Wall-E- How can you talk about animated boyfriends without bringing up this one? Have you seen this movie? Unbelievably sweet and loyal, doesn't talk too much, and saves the human race from their passive consumerism. He even dresses Eve around and brings her around.

5. Cory from Boy Meets World-  A Classic. That guy loved his Topanga, even as she changed all of her character traits from start to finish in the series. He also loved Sean a lot.

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