Things I Should Have Learned By my High School Reunion, But Haven't

by - Thursday, July 31, 2014

Oh young Barbara, I bet you thought you would be so wise by now. Going to your high school reunion, standing next to a bunch of people who came from exactly where you did, can really put life into perspective. You can really feel how you have changed. That is all good, in my opinion, and I really didn't see anyone who shouldn't be pumped about their own life (including myself). At the same time, as we all stood around acting sort of like adults, I couldn't help but think I may have been a little lazy about really embracing the whole adulthood thing, and so many things remain a mystery. These are some of the (completely practical) things I probably should have under my belt, but so don't. 

1. Why Running is good exercise- Running is the worst. By the end of your 20's, you are supposed to have figured out how to take care of yourself, and how to see longterm value in things that are just horrible in the short run. I still don't have enough character to think running is even sort of worth it. It is so boring. I have to buy fancy shoes. It is so boring that by the end, all there is to think about is the next pair of fancy shoes. I am not mature enough for running yet.
2.Eyeliner and how to do it right-I still yank on my face to try to make a straight line. The lady at Macy's says that is no good. Have you figured it out? Even more challenging, how does one wear lipstick without feeling like some sort of clown prostitute? I see people doing it, and yet.
3. Any sort of cooking of any kind. Exception- grilled cheese and fried egg sandwiches- I have identified that my personal problem in reaching the basic human goal
of cooking for oneself is a deep and completely misguided sense of time. I always think everything takes 15 minutes. Cooking reminds us that is just not true. Everyone should be able to cook by now, but can we? At least I figured out to hang out with somebody who can.
4.  How to do a cartwheel- Is it too late? Will I die without this skill? Why do I care so little about this?
5. How to dance- I can't dance, but I will dance. This is the secret to happiness. You are welcome.
6. How to wear high heels for more than an hour- The only thing worse than running shoes. I know you are supposed to do the bandaid thing, but other than that, I still don't get it.
7.What people think about all day long- Everyone is thinking all the time, but they tell the same stries and ideas over and over. What are they thinking about the rest of the time and how do I get them to tell me? Are we hiding or is there just a lot of noise going on? When do I get my psychic power?
8. How to stop saying Yes when I REALLY want to say no- How does one shake off years of socialization and "niceness"? I don't know, because I am not that nice a person, but man I can get guilted into doing things.
9. How to make an end goal stick- The plan just keeps changing, which is fine, but I can see other people have gotten the hang of follow through in a big way.
10. Why people like foot massages- these are the creepiest things in the whole world. Why am I supposed to be relaxed at the thought of a stranger touching me?  Especially my janky feet (and I don't even run!). I just worry I am somehow letting them down by not relaxing enough. Also, why do people act like relaxation is such a thing? You know what is relaxing? Making a list and getting that shit done.
11. Why people like Seinfeld- If I don't get it by now, let's assume I will never understand. It is not a maturity issue, I just don't find them funny, I guess.
12. Why people don't vote- It is your most basic civic duty. Read about the candidates and pick the least horrible. Plus, you get a sticker!

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