3 Things I Learned from Indiana Jones

by - Tuesday, February 25, 2014

1. It's all downhill after the drunk- The only way they could make a woman more cartoonish and unlikable after Willie (who really whines about her nails rather than trying to save her friends' lives and just yells... all the time... she makes that movie the worst one) is to make Indy's next girlfriend a Nazi. Marion was a badass who hits people with pans(yes, she resulted in "Mutt" but no one is perfect). Why exactly did we have to even go through the lothario thing? Why can't we just skip these women, when they add nearly nothing to the story? In Willie's defense, her bangs defy all logic, gravity, and stylistic trends of any time ever. They actually fold all the way up back to the crown of her head. The only thing worse about that movie is their crazypants depiction of Indian culture.

from cheezburger.com
2. When in doubt, just destroy it- I know this is a common joke, but when you watch the movies, all you can think about is how many priceless epic artifacts that guy either rubs his hands all over or knocks over. It happens about every 5 minutes, right between every time he says "it should be in a museum"- Wow! You just found a poorly hidden knight corpse and tomb your dad has looked for his whole life. You better tip it over into the oil fire! Look! Rich guy showed you the beautiful manuscript! No, don't just put your hands on it, go ahead and lick it! And now! Look at these skeletons everywhere- better destroy a body to turn it into a torch! Also, look at these native peoples who are inexplicably angry Indy is stealing their stuff. They should have asked the last native culture how this works, since they all share the same sharp teeth necklaces. Clearly, he needs to kill them all.

Also, ancient cultures of all geographies used surprisingly light boulders. That, or Indy has superhuman strength, because he keeps just lifting off tomb tops and chunks of buildings.These films are really about the world's most selective connoisseur.

3. Also, always be in doubt- They perhaps should have thrown the skepticism arc out a few movies sooner. He just watched the power of God melt people's faces off, but now he once again believes that relics are just objects to make him money at The Museum and carry no spiritual value? 4 times in a row??? If we can only think of one thing to have this character learn, perhaps we need to consider other narrative strategies. I blame George Lucas (so does Steven Spielberg).

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