Current Obsession- Wedding Anniversary Materials

by - Wednesday, April 17, 2013

So I heard that for wedding anniversaries, materials are assigned? We found a complete list here, and even cross checked (not all of them were on other lists, but a shocking number were). Can I say this is both a completely awesome and really stupid idea. Or, it is a totally arbitrary set of rules that I will now follow to the letter, because I love having weird limitations to work within. But man, some of them are crazy weird. Also, how many times do you want to get/give diamonds??? Also some of these seem more like themes, and others are pretty directive about particular gifts.

So, we found a list online with the "traditional" materials and the modern ones. If I knew I had these things to look forward to, I would have gotten married sooner! Here are some highlights:

The first anniversary is paper or clocks. I think I have found a clock made out of paper, so that may be our winner.

The 4th is a big year. You can either do linen, silk, fruit, flowers, or electrical appliances. So many choices.

The 10th is either supposed to be aluminum or diamond jewelry. I suggest going with aluminum, because you could do some sort of Factory-style walls and play the Velvet Underground. Very Warhol, Bataille, that sort of thing. Plus, according to this list, diamond jewelry is kind of a dime a dozen. The next year you can either get steel or "fashion jewelry" though I do not know what that is. Perhaps in ten years, with all the extra wisdom, I will have a better idea.

Everyone should hold out for the 24th, because that is the musical instrument year. I like this idea. Doesn't it kind of scream "time to pick up a new hobby." Otherwise, 24 seems like a solid time for a rut.

The 26th says "original picture." Does this mean buy a painting? Or a photograph? Or get one of those sketches based on your face? I think the makers of this list were wise to use mystery as a driving force to keep the marriage excitement alive. Good job, Wedding Anniversary Material Gods.

(also, clock, watch, and timepiece are all on the list. Can someone explain to me what a timepiece is if it is not a watch or a clock?)

Now, youths of America, let us all hold on to our marriages until the 40th year, because that whole decade is when this shit gets good. This must be why grandparents are always so cheery. Their marriages are awesome. 40th is no big thing- Ruby. You could do a ruby slipper thing, or just buy each other red rocks- that is really your call. Then for your 41st anniversary, you apparently get "land" 42nd you get "improved real estate" (so you build a new house on your new land? One of those Richard Branson island deals?) and the 43rd you get travel. But the 44th is best of all (as it should be, since it is clearly a monumental landmark in the National Park of your Love).

The 44th is groceries. Because apparently 3 years of excitement has wiped you right out. Because taking your land has pretty much filled up your time. Because we have already been doing this marriage thing all wrong. So if things are looking grey in your marriage, now you have something to live for.

I know you couldn't imagine it getting better, but the grocery year is just an oasis of banality in a decade of decadence. 45 is sapphire (apparently not the Precious one), 46 is original poetry tribute (YES!!! like the Original picture, do we have to make it ourselves or can we bring in outside labor?), 47 is books (hopefully of all the poetry tributes), 48 is "optical goods" (binoculars, telescopes, bifocals?, a monocle? one can only imagine), and 49 is best of all- Luxuries of any kind. Now, if I just got my groceries, poem tribute, and monocle, what else could I possibly need? One of those fancy carved canes? A Vespa? Someone to teach you to like truffles and escargo? A Scarface bathtub of 401K money?

From here on, the answer is always diamonds. If you make it past 50 years, you should get diamonds all the time. If you can make it to 90 (yes, that is how far the list goes, which seems a little optimistic to me, but who knows), you should be able to encrust yourselves in diamonds. 

With all of the questions floating around about the place of marriage in society, I think we can all look to this list for answers. The point of getting married is that 5th decade. Everything else is basically a waiting game. Let's hope that soon everyone gets a chance to be part of this really crazypants set of traditions. Because, if you can't get a book of original tribute poems, why bother getting married?  But, I will follow the list at least for the first year, because then I can use up more of the oodles of tissue paper that currently haunts my dreams. Ah, marriage.

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