Eight Things People Treat as Romantic in Movies that Aren't

by - Tuesday, February 12, 2013

from gawker.com/5444978/
1. Love proclamations in any way related to airports
Examples- Love Actually, Ross and Rachel- someone makes the big effort, running through the airport all to tell someone they love them/ don't go.
 Why this is not romantic-Airports are the least romantic place in the entire world. The Boy and I mostly don't speak in airports so as to preserve our love. You know what is great in airports? Soft pretzels and trashy magazines. Also, silence. I get the appeal of someone wanting to take that very last minute effort, the effort to change the course of history (this makes me think of LA Story), but really, if you have already packed and gone through the security, just get on the plane. If they really care, they should get on the plane. If someone still loves you on the other end of the flight, then that is a keeper.
from www.breakingdawnmovie.org
2.Anything that could have been boiled down to "You just don't understand him like I do"
Examples- Twilight, Beauty and the Beast, Pride and Prejudice, like anything ever
 Why this is not romantic- No Honey, the people who love you, who really see you, probably do have a relatively strong sense of why this guy is wrong for you. Also, and I mean this so so so so much, you should not have to dig deep to find the goodness in a person. Goodness, if it is a virtue worth having, will shine out of their actions all the time. Significant others should not be projects. They should have worked themselves out before. ALSO, you should work yourself out too. The sparkliest of vampires can still only bandaid your wounds/ history/ low self-esteem. That stuff will still be there, and the deep down angst will bubble up. People pretty much need to heal themselves. And if your family says he is an asshole, he probably is at least a little. Trying to convince yourself otherwise leaves you cuddling with Chris Brown at the Grammy's, and nobody got time for that. Your deep insights into his soul are not as meaningful as you think.

3. Kissing in the rain
Examples- The end of Four Weddings and a Funeral, The Notebook, Spiderman
 Why this is not romantic- I get that the premise is that you are supposed to be so caught up in the moment that you just don't care. But these things have a very short shelf life. Precipitation makes things cold. Boogers have a taste (does anyone else think about that when they watch that Spiderman kiss? What is running up his nose?). Also, if Andie MacDowall has done it, then it is more boring than romantic.
From baraibland.blogspot.com
4. Showing up at a girl's door with a love proclamation.
Examples- Love Actually, Jerry Maguire
 Why this is not romantic- I know I have had some sucker moments for grand gestures, but I think the actual romance generally manifests out of small moments and positive feelings rather than desperation. jerry Maguire exemplifies this; he was a shitty husband and creepy porch necker. Then he shows up and makes the weirdest, most codependent speech ever and we are supposed to be floored. Pass. The best grand love gesture I can think of on film is April and Andy's trip to the Grand Canyon on Parks and Rec. It's the simple act of helping someone achieve their goals turned up a notch, and it is genuinely selfless. Well, it helps to assuage her boredom You can of course make the argument that all love is pretty self serving, and to some extent that is probably true, but the love proclamation is usually more about the proclaimers than the listeners.

From fanpop.com
 5. Beaches
Examples-  The Last Song, Sweet Home Alabama, Mamma Mia
 Why this is not romantic- When a movie pulls in the beach scene,you know you are in trouble. If you aren't From Here to Eternity, you just aren't. A nice day at the beach can be fun, and I guess the ocean adds some sense of your smallness and the sublime, but come on! Sometimes things are not romantic simply because they are played out. I feel weary of any romantic tropes that are meant to just work because they work for everyone else.  Candlelit dinners, walks of the Beach, canooing (has anyone else started to notice that every Nicholas Sparks movie looks like "Kiss the Girl" from the little mermaid?). They are all done. And just because they photograph well doesn't mean they are actually a romantic day. I personally hate relaxing, so after about half an hour of sitting on the beach I need to go do something interesting.

6. Anything that happens in the English Patient- specifically sexy baths, infidelity, and leaving your lover to die in a cave.
Examples-Seriously, the only good part is with Sayid (why doesn't he get more romantic leads? That guy is hot!) and the church frescos.
 Why this is not romantic- I generally don't think that if one of the people has a spouse it makes them clandestine lovers. You are not Romeo and Juliet, you are just horny and assholes. You know what else is not romantic? Oodles of pointless, forlorn staring. They don't even laugh with each other. ohhhh and sexy baths. Who decided that was a good idea? That water is going to get cold. Especially with all the time it takes for longing stares. And Ralph Fiennes just skeeves me out, and his staring gets very stalker-y toward the end.
From http://flcenterlitarts.wordpress.com/2010/07/28/unadulterated-reading-pleasures-the-10-best-novels-of-cheating/
You know who has a great sexy stare, Kristen Scott Thomas? Colin Firth. Colin Firth has made a career of looking at women like this:

from www.imdb.com/name/nm0000147/
7."Oh hey, I was lying to you this whole time, but I love you!"
Examples- While you were Sleeping, She's All That, Never been kissed,
 Why this is not romantic- This plot line, if nothing else, is completely played out and boring. It highlights the human but incredibly problematic tendency to try to make ourselves look better for potential partners, but that can't end well. Want proof? Watch some freaking catfish. You are setting up a love triangle you can't win. Of course, in these movies you are just acting out an adorable plot line and it will totally work out. Because all love is based on lies, right? Just don't lie to people. Sell the real deal, because these things come back around. He will find out you aren't a high school student. Or she will find out your whole love is based on a bet. Seriously, these things are not romantic, they don't end well. Equally bad are plot lines where the premise is one person (usually a man) training a woman to be what he wants then falling in love with her (the Pygmalion narrative)- My Fair Lady and Pretty woman. Someone who lies to you or wants to change you doesn't sound like the key to romance to me.

From Foreveryoungadult.com
Examples- The Palm Beach Story, Say Anything, 10 Things I Hate About You.
 Why this is not romantic- Ok, I like the end of the Wedding Singer (which breaks like 4 of these pet peeves at once) as much as the next person, but being serenaded in real life is the most awkward thing in the world. Do you just sit there and smile? Do you kind of sway back and forth to try to create the image that you are enjoying the music? How do you react? Songs are really long when you just have to sit there and listen. I know this probably works for some people, but a man sitting singing to me with an acoustic guitar sounds like the worst thing in the world.

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