Top Ten Worst Songs of 2012

by - Tuesday, December 18, 2012

This will end up being a year where we really spent a lot of time in our car listening to 5 radio stations which all played the same 4 songs. I hated a good chunk of them, but these are the ones I hated the most. Thanks, Top 40 radio.

10. Rack City by Tyga- It took us a long time to figure out what the chorus was, but it didn't help. Digs into your brain in the worst way ever.
9. Everything Rhianna made- Holy crap, that woman is never not on the radio. I would really like her to take a break to get her life together and so they will stop playing the awful Diamonds song. All of it is catchy, but I can't think of the last Rhianna song that was actually great. Probably Shy Ronnie.
8.Neon Hitch/ Cher Lloyd-indistinguishable, except that Neon Hitch dances on a tombstone. Lots of grunting and sexy noises from grating voices with no range. Too much.
7.The Wanted- “Glad You Came”- The only song I can think of that doesn't have a rhyme scheme, but instead the last word of each line is the first word of the next. Is that clever? Also, none of them sing, and even though they are the same age as the kids from One Direction, they just look so old. The one with the shaved head looks like a 40 year old at a high school party.
6.The Lumineers- The American version of faux-folksy authenticness. Boring. If you think you haven't heard of them, just turn on your television, because like any highly marketable indie song, this number is in about 10 tech commercials. Just bored with crap like this.
5.Selena Gomez “Love you like a Love Song”- Worst lyrics ever. Some sort of response to postmodernism- I think the moral of the story is "It's all been done, so I am going to do it again" or something about the reference becoming the referent? Ok, if I try to apply postmodern semiotics to this, I am pretty sure my brain will melt, but the song is annoying and the lyrics are mind-bendingly stupid.
4.“Just too Close to Love You” Colin Something?- UUUUUUUgggghhhh. Please man, ride Gotye's coattails and write another sort of soft techno song about how you are just such a sensitive guy who is going to break up with your girlfriend out of the goodness of your heart. Well, aren't you kind. Misogyny has sort of got a new look this year, and I think it thinks it is more clever than it is. Also, another one you know if you have seen any ads for computers.
3. “Part of Me” and "Wide Awake" Katy Perry- Don't you hate that after a very public break up you need to write new songs to capitalize on your new emotional state? What a bunch of work! Instead, just write new lyrics for essentially the same song. Then make a bunch of speeches about how you are not a feminist, you just like reenacting Demi Moore movies. I actually used to think Katy Perry was sort of tongue and cheek and that made her more palatable than Ke$ha, but that was giving her way too much credit. I'm ready for her to go away now.
2.“Pay phone”- Maroon 5- Holy crap, how did this song catch on? Weird concept. Truly horrible rap break. Grating melody. Adam Levine. This song had every reason to fail, and yet we could not escape it. If I never hear this song again my entire life, I will be a better person for it.
1. "Let's Go" by Neyo- I will never listen to a Neyo song again- he is like a poor, boring man's Usher, and Usher is already kind of sad on his own. The song is so stupid, so lyrically mind-numbing, and so awful, that I truly am just done with Neyo. Everytime a Neyo song comes on, I have to not only change the channel but say "No" outloud, so I am sure he knows I am rejecting him. I do not understand how any of his songs get popular, but this one is spectacularly and yet completely banal-y awful.

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  1. But you haven't really had a chance to hate "Pay phone" until you've seen the bizarrely conceived video